Agony and Defeat…

Well, it finally happened.  I totally snapped… lost my mind… whatever you want to call it.  I finally found the straw; this camel’s back is broken.  I have been faking holding it together pretty well until lately.  My emotions have been getting harder to suppress.

The boys are home from school today.  At this point, they probably wish they were there instead.  They were chasing each other through the house and Carson got hurt.  I was trying to work when I heard “the cry.”  Mothers, you know which cry I mean… the one that you know your child is hurt.  I went running to my room.  Carson had fallen off the bed and hurt his side.  At that moment, something snapped.

I don’t know if it was the noise of him screaming or just the fact that he was hurt and I wasn’t sure how bad?  But, I totally lost it.  I started screaming… ranting on about how I just couldn’t take this.  I rattled off everything that I was, am, and will be doing for the next two years by myself.  I mentioned I couldn’t take them fighting, arguing, and (ironically) screaming at each other.  I could actually hear how absurd I sounded, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I could also see my hurt child lying on the floor crying, probably more because I was screaming at him.  All while the other child had a terrified look on his face while he was covering his ears.  Yep, totally lost it.  I could see the fear in their faces, I could see how I must look to them, but it just kept spewing out of me uncontrollably.  My brain was saying… “hello, you are traumatizing your children and your current situation is not their fault, you are venting on children… HELLO!”  But, the rest of me…

I went to my office room, closed the door, and sobbed.  I cried about what I had just done, I cried because I miss my husband, I cried because at that moment I was defeated.

I tell you all this, not to make you feel sorry for me… but because I’m positive that I’m not the only one that has ever done this before.  And… you aren’t either.  None of us can keep it all together all the time.  I rely on God to get me through everyday.  At that moment, I was being selfish… I didn’t give it to God, I spewed all over my kids.  But, you know what?  God still loves me.  While I was crying, I heard the boys laughing in the other room.  I’m worried about how much their therapy will cost and they are already over it.  Sometimes, we fail.  We try not to, but it happens.  God is still there.  So, I said a prayer, put on my other sock, and will go apologize to my boys.  With God’s help, this too shall pass…

I’m sure it’s a God thing, but I am singing a song based on this verse on Sunday.  I kept repeating it while I was trying to calm down.  He knew my needs…

“I will lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber.”  Psalms 121: 1-3

8 thoughts on “Agony and Defeat…

  1. I had moments like that and my husband was just at his day job. Children are so resilient and forgiving. I thought they’d remember those moments forever but they’re all grown up and have never mentioned them! What your children will remember is your heart and how much you love them, not your mistakes! Besides, we all make mistakes. There are no perfect parents. You’re building lots of good memories with your boys. You love their father! That’s the best gift you can give them! 🙂

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  3. And so my friend, when people say “How do you do it?” my response many times has become “Some days better than others, but always by the grace of God.”

    No, you are not alone and you’ll have up and down days … both of which will have you on your knees. 🙂 Too bad we are not neighbors!! Praying and thinking about you so very much …
    xoxo mk

  4. Yes, been there, done that. Maybe my “reasons” were different, but the outcome was the same. God loves you and so do I, my sweet, sweet Sister (or at least I’m sure will be sweet again very soon!)

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