Forever Changed…

Eleven years ago I was in my bed, watching tv.  I watched the events of September 11, 2001, unfold in horror.  I was in my bed because I was on a leave of absence from work due to depression.  I was in the darkest time of my life, battling depression and severe bulimia.  I went through a time of drawing away from God.  I had gotten off the path, way off.  The eating disorder was taking hold of me.  I had moments of not knowing where I was, bruises from falling down in the shower from lack of energy, and my hair falling out.  I had thrown up after eating enough that my body was trained to do it by itself.  I was tired physically and emotionally.

I sat in my pity… my blackness, staring at the images of fire, smoke, and dust.  I could not take my eyes off these images for days.  I watched as people covered in dust ran, as devastated people hung pictures of their missing loved ones on fences, and as people jumped from the burning buildings choosing their own fate.  I watched the brave stories of people going back into the fiery buildings and of people taking over a plane to save the greater good.

That day changed my life.  Those images, which I could not get enough of, are burned in my soul as a permanent reminder.  God uses all things for good.  He used that day to save me.  It wasn’t an easy process, but I got better.  I didn’t do it alone, my worrying mother was there the whole journey.  She never gave up on me, even when I really wanted her to just leave me alone.

I finally felt whole again and with great purpose, I tracked down a past love.  This man, now my husband, dealing with his own life scars, had joined the Navy.  He had joined just two weeks prior to September 11th.  I wrote him a letter around Thanksgiving and what transpired was a whirlwind.  We were married in February, 2002.

Although I did not personally know anyone lost on that horrifying day, I was forever changed by their existence.  The person I was eleven years ago is just a fading shadow.  Who I am now is an imperfect person trying to serve God and my family the best way I can.  I will never forget those that lost their life that day.  I vowed to live my life in a way that their lives were not in vain. I vow to always remember…

“I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope; Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:20-23

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