Out of Gas…

There are a few people out there that call me Wonder Woman.  I guess there are times when I feel like her.  Lately, I think Wonder Woman packed up her gear and flew away in her invisible jet.  What I’m about to say is not a cry for sympathy.  I’m simply sharing my feelings because I know that I am not the only person having these issues.  You are not alone.

Lately, I am tired.  Not only tired physically, but mentally… emotionally… spiritually.  My youngest son is having issues with being defiant.  Trying to keep him in check is totally draining me.  I feel like I’m always getting on to him.  Well, since I’m being honest, yelling at him… well, both of them.

From the outside things look good.  My yard is raked and leaves are bagged, but on the inside my floor needs to be mopped and I just don’t feel like doing it.  That’s probably true about me personally, too.  People see me and I look fine on the outside, but inside I’m falling apart.  I can’t say that I’m doing too much.  I do know how to say “no” and I have a lot lately.  Almost to the point that I feel that I might be detaching.

It seems that my life is filled with Monday’s, practice days, Friday’s, payroll days, Sunday’s… they just keep flying by, but I don’t really have anything to show for it.  Does that make sense?  Everything is routine.

I know that God is with me, everyday.  I pray constantly, everywhere… but, I have to admit that I don’t pray fervently.  There was a time when I did.  I felt close to God, I felt peace.  Logically, I know how to cure my ills.  Realistically though, I’m not on my knees crying out for God’s help.  If I did, He would hear.  I don’t really know what is stopping me other than the pain that will be unleashed by just saying everything out loud.  Admitting to myself and to God that I am failing… that my kids are sometimes not ok… that I am not ok… is a hard pill to swallow.

Some of you may not “get” anything I just wrote, but others will.  Some of you know exactly what I’m feeling, maybe you aren’t here now, but you have been at one time.  But, if you are right where I am, I challenge you to let it go.  Give it to God.  Let’s give him the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I’m going to… it may take some time, but I’ve seen the work He’s already done and I know He can take care of this, too.

“and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.” Psalm 50:15

2 thoughts on “Out of Gas…

  1. Catching up on your blog since I’m wide awake in the early morning hours! I know how you feel … just wanted to know I’m praying for you and YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB! xomk

  2. Hey Ashli,
    You are not alone! There are people that understand whether they have children or not because they can relate their situations to yours. You are an inspiration. When you figure out all the right answers…let us all know because we have similar struggles all the time too. And by the way…Zach has been on & off restriction for 2 weeks. He thinks everything is fun and games and that mom will always give in. He got a rude awakening yesterday. Kids will continue to test us…I know we were perfect growing up but most aren’t! LOL 🙂 Take care and know we love you <3

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