I’ve been feeling convicted lately. Living this life is not easy. I’m sure there are a lot of single parents out there that have some of the same issues as military spouses. To me, the differences are that we are uprooted from where we once called home, our support system, we worry about our spouse, and sometimes our marriage.
People around me tell me that see a strength in me. I see weakness. I do the things that I feel God has called me to do. To most people, I think that I show most of the fruits of the spirit. Where I fail is showing them to my boys.
I want my boys to follow the rules, to be nice, to grow up to be good men. It seems that I’ve become so frustrated with their behavior that I have overlooked my own. The past few days, God has opened my tired eyes to see that while I am all of these things to everyone else, I am none of these things to the two people to which it matters most.
I am far from patient… I am angry… I am frustrated… I have blown-up… I yell… I criticize… I am just plain awful. Granted, this is not every minute of everyday… mostly because they are at school for part of the day. That’s a sad statement, but I’m being real here.
Why am I like this? Are others in this boat of shame with me? God has gifted me with these two healthy, smart, athletic boys and I am not treating them with the goodness, kindness, and patience that he intended. I have become so caught up in trying to keep everything going. Somewhere down the line, I lost sight that I am their example. They follow my lead… and they are doing it very well. They argue, they speak in an ugly tone to each other, they blow-up, they yell, they are not patient… they are… me.
Tonight, I am going to talk to them. I am going to apologize for my behavior and try my hardest to be the best basket of fruit I can be. I know that I will slide and that this will be hard. Some of the fruits of the spirit are not my nature, but I can try.
For those of you that are in this boat with me, I ask you to try. For those of you that have it all together, I ask for your prayers as I start this journey. It’s always painful when God shows you your faults, but I’m thankful that He still loves me and that He’s still working on me.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness ans self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23