Depression…

GrassThis is what I did today.  It’s not all I did today, but tackling my backyard, armed only with a mower, was significant!  I haven’t written in a while.  Mostly because I’ve been in a funk.  I think I’m starting to come out of it… hope so anyway.

To most that know me this may come as a surprise.  I’m seen where I need to be seen… always with a smile… always trying to encourage others… all the while fighting off depression as well as I can.  I get the boys out the door in the morning and crawl back into my bed.  Somehow, spending another hour with the covers pulled over my head comforts me… yet at the same time draws me further in to my funk.

I think that most people see my world as under control, happy, and a place where everything gets done.  Outwardly, I guess that’s true.  The world that I see is filled with disrespectful children, failing grades, uncertainty of what my husband’s next orders will be, and weeds overtaking the back yard.  I’m getting all the tasks done, but I feel like the big picture is spiraling into chaos.

Today, I tackled the one thing that I could… the backyard.  (Yes, I mowed the front yard, too.  The backyard is the beast that is hidden behind the fence.)  Something about being in the sun and smelling the combination of grass and gasoline made me happy.  I was so hot and tired, but as I looked behind me and saw what I had accomplished I pressed forward.

I’m not saying that all is right in my world now that the grass is cut, but at least I did it.  I don’t know how to conquer the disrespectful children or failing grades, but today I feel like I am above it rather than being swallowed by it.  To me, that is huge.

I don’t know if anyone else battles with these feelings?  I assume so.  Depression is such a silent disease.  We put on our outward masks because we don’t want to admit what is going on inside.  When we do that, we just make it worse.  So, in my forever attempt at transparency, I hope that you realize that you are not alone.

Now… all this being said… mom, I’m ok.  I’m not going off the deep end.  I love you… I know you love me.  I am ok. 🙂

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart? I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

4 thoughts on “Depression…

  1. Thank you. From one military wife/mother to another. So much defeats me these days but I beat my lawn this weekend too and it’s important to take pride in the small victories when everything else seems so big. Thanks for reminding me of that.

  2. I love you Ashli. I know were not that close, but I admire the woman I see! Rest assured, we all put on our church face and the “real us” is kept closely guarded. At least, that’s how I feel a lot of the time. Very few people will ever know the “real me” Most of the pain, hurt and scars in my life are only known by the Lord and I.

    Oh, and if it were me posting something like this that my Mother could see, I had better be calling her FIRST, before I even thought about posting. The morale of this story: the baby will always be your baby, no matter how old or how big we get!!!!!

    One of my favorite sayings: God grant me the serenity to change the things I can (mowing the grass); except the things I can’t change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    God will continue to walk beside the Perry’s, bad grades, disrespect, no matter what.

    I love you,

    Melanie

  3. I love the last line, I would have to reassure my mom too! But sometimes just putting things in words makes it a little better. Inside every put together woman is an over critical, nagging, insecure, hypersensitive little girl, no one sees that. From one baseball mom to another you are the BOMB!

  4. I have days like this. I read this and it kind of summed it up …
    I’m not sure if I’m depressed. I mean, I’m not sad. But I’m not exactly happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but sometimes when I’m alone at night I forget how to feel.

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