My husband and I were talking last night while lying in bed. A while into the conversation I started to cry. I told him that I don’t think I had cried in two years (the time he was gone). His response… “you didn’t miss me?” My response… “I missed you!”
I explained to him that for the past two years I was afraid to cry for fear that I might not be able to stop. I had to hold it together for my boys… for my family… for myself. I couldn’t let the boys see me breakdown because they looked to me to be their strength. So, I sucked it up, fought it, and held it in… until last night.
Like I feared, once the flood gates were broken, it took a while for the well to run dry. I think I cried for a few hours. It wasn’t a loud, sobbing cry, but more a lip quivering, crocodile tear cry. I went through most of a box of tissue and lost more sleep than I needed to lose. But I cried.
I cried for everyday in which I felt like I failed. I cried for every harsh word that I spoke to my boys because I was so stressed. I cried for every night that I begged God to bring my husband back home to his family and friends that love him dearly. I cried for every thought of “will my marriage survive this?” I cried for every hardship and temptation that I knew my husband was facing. I cried for the gift of every friend that loved and encouraged me along the way. I cried for every friend that showed up to support my boys. I cried for each moment when I thought I could not go on, yet found a way. I cried for knowing that God was with us all though every breath. I cried for that happiness and relief that I felt when I finally had my arms around my husband. I cried…
I know that there are plenty of people who looked at me as a pillar of strength. I wasn’t. I am just a girl who went through a trial. I didn’t have any choice, but to get through each day the best I could. I prayed our way through it and we came out ok. Nothing has been perfect or even easy, but I’ve learned that good enough is good enough.
“a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” Ecclesiastes 3:4