Burdened…

The past few months I have been diving into myself.  I have so many insecurities.  I know on a truth level that I am a child of God, but sometimes the flesh peaks out.  I’ve been trying to really weed out the insecurities and focus on what matters… really matters… spreading the Gospel.

I’ve been burdened with this for a while now.  I am blessed with a church whose mission statement is “to be disciples and make disciples.” I have an incredible Pastor and Worship Leader who both encourage me live this mission (awesome church’s website).  I am just burdened with the fact, that I’ve never done this.  I don’t even think that I can claim the salvation of my children.  I mean, I took them to church and I try to live for Jesus, but I’m not sure that I had a direct hand in their salvation… a part for sure.

What does it mean to “be disciples and make disciples?”  Does it mean that I need to personally lead someone to Christ, holding their hand while they pray?  I’ve never done that.  That is a huge burden on me.  What if I never do that?  Does it mean I failed?  I sit here now typing with tears in my eyes over the enormity of that.  I don’t want to sit before God and feel that I have failed Him because I didn’t do the most important task in His eyes.

One of the definitions of disciple is “to teach, to train.”  That seems a little more obtainable.  Still huge, but less daunting. I fail everyday.  I lose my patience, I yell at my kids, I gossip, I sin… we all do.  Who am I to “teach and train” someone else?!  I mean, really… who am I?  I think that’s why we (the congregation) sometimes leave this task to our pastors.  I mean, they went to school to learn this stuff.  They are more equipped to “teach and train” than I will ever be.  Yet, this is why Christianity is dying in the US.  We have placed a huge burden on them to save everyone.  They can’t do it alone.  They need us… the ones not formally trained… the ones that fail.

I am not sure if I will formally lead someone to Christ in my lifetime.  What a glorious goal, but I have no idea if that is in the cards for me.  But, I can tell you that there might be few better equipped that I to “teach and to train” to rely on Christ to hold your marriage together while you are apart for long period of time, or to forgive someone after they have hurt you, or to give of your whole heart to those in need, or to see things from someone else’s point of view when you are mad, to be kind, to love…

I may not be able to quote half of the Bible to someone who doesn’t know Christ, but I can share with them how God changed me from who I was and how He helps me get through everyday.  No one else is better equipped to tell my story.  No one can share what God means for you better than you.

So, I am going to try to focus on the steps in front of me rather than the whole journey.  This year, my oldest son and I will be going on our very first mission trip.  God worked out all the details so far.  I’m not counting it out, but I doubt that I will go there and lead someone to Christ.  However, I may plant a seed, or water one that was already planted.  Surely, I can show the love of Christ.  I can do that without going anywhere.

Pray for me as I continue my journey of growing in Christ.  Pray for me as I, in my small little daily world, try to spread the gospel with the tools that God has given me.  I may not directly lead someone to Christ, but I can, at the very least, open a door and point them in the right direction.

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  Matthew 28:19-20

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